It's been completely worth it

Last night, I nervously straightened my hair as I waited for Justin to pick me up. Justin and I were going to dinner and I decided we were going to have a talk, no matter how difficult it was. I wanted to know how he felt about everything, too. After all, he had been distant for a little while. Maybe he had something he wanted to express, as well. I didn't want either of us bottling up feelings and then have them explode in an argument. Justin deserved more than that.

I was especially worried about how I would express my feelings. To be honest, I couldn't warrant some of them. That had me confused. Yes, Justin got jealous, but was that the only reason I felt a small desire to break up with him? I couldn't figure out if I felt like I just owed it to myself to be single for a little while if my heart wasn't 100% invested in the relationship anymore. Justin deserved better than that, too.

Justin arrived at 7. Right on the dot. I sat in the passenger seat and leaned over to give him a kiss. We were at the restaurant by 7:20. It was a beautiful night so we opted to sit outside on their patio. I began quietly picking at the bread basket on the table.

"How have your classes been?" Justin sweetly asked me. Since I was chewing on a piece of an uh-maz-ing fluffy roll (I deserved some white bread), I nodded and shrugged in response. Justin laughed. "Well, regardless, I'm really proud of you. I know it's not easy doing everything you do, but I think it's amazing that you're in graduate school. My girlfriend is one smart cookie." He reached across the table and put his hand on mine. How did he always know the right thing to say? I suddenly couldn't imagine breaking up with him.

"Thanks," I bashfully replied. "But it's not exactly medical school. It's just a part time grad program."

"Still," he said as he looked me straight in the eyes. "Don't diminish it. I don't know anyone who works as hard as you do."

I had a particular order in mind for how I wanted this conversation to go and, due to acute anxiety issues that I've had since childhood, I had practiced the conversation over and over in my head. However, since he was bringing up my hectic schedule, I figured it'd be good to discuss that with him first.

"Since you mention it," I said, as if I never dreamed of bringing it up, "I think we should talk about that."

"Talk about what?"

"Well, with school starting again, I'm going to be annoyingly busy and I want to make sure you understand that."

Justin furrowed his eyebrows at me. "Caveman understand," he sarcastically replied.

"I didn't mean that you couldn't understand," I feverishly responded. Why did everything I say always come out wrong? "I just want to talk to you about it now so you're not blindsided when I can't see you as much. Are you going to be okay with that?"

Justin looked off at the street for a moment. "Yeah, I mean, what other choice do I have?"

I didn't know what to say to that so we just sat there, silent, for another moment. "I'll try as hard as I can to see you," I said as I placed my hand back on his. We just looked at each other and then commented on how nice the weather was for a few minutes before the waitress came over to take our order.

"Listen, we can do this," Justin said, getting back on topic. "If it's either having you a little or not having you at all, the choice is simple."

I smiled at him. It felt so nice to have a caring guy back in my life. I knew from past experiences that they were rare. And who knows? Maybe Justin and I would benefit from some time apart.

That train of thought brought me back to my original decision about tonight. We needed to discuss our issues.

"Justin, we're good otherwise, right?" I asked. I hoped he understood what I meant because I didn't really know how to explain it.

Justin looked away from me. He didn't look confused. At that moment, I knew he understood. "I know it hasn't been the easiest of roads, but we can't give up, right? I mean, I think we have something here."

I decided to quickly blurt out my next question. "You trust me, though, right?"

Justin furrowed his eyebrows at me again. "Of course," he replied, as if that was a crazy question to ask. I bit my lip and looked down. "Well," he continued. "I get what you mean. I'm sorry that I have issues there. You haven't done anything wrong, but because of my history I always jump to the worst conclusions. You're amazing and I guess I just feel like I got too lucky meeting you for something not to happen to us."

We looked each other in the eyes for a moment before I replied. "I'm the lucky one. You're so good to me. I'm sorry that I've put you in some sticky situations these past few months."

"It's been completely worth it," he said with a wink. Our food arrived minutes later and I was lost in the amazing shrimp and calamari salad before me. We laughed, talked, and played footsie for the next forty-five minutes before heading back to his apartment where we had the best sex we've had yet (in my opinion, anyway). It was the perfect night. Or so I thought.

Justin and I silently laid in bed for an hour. We began to get dressed so he could drive me home when I realized he was being eerily quiet. I thought nothing of it until we got to my house.

"Maybe we should talk," he said.