Are You Happy?

I hadn't seen my boyfriend in two weeks and he told me he couldn't pick me up from the airport because of work. Work. Last time I checked, work didn't include going to happy hour and snapping a pic with a new associate, who just happened to be super hot. He wasn't dumb enough to post it, of course, but his coworker who I follow didn't see any problem with it.

The interns were gone. I was happy about that, but my relief was short lived when Scott informed me that they hired a bunch of new graduates. He nonchalantly showed me a few of their Facebook pages and there were three or four girls who made me instantly feel slightly jealous. I didn't think about them again, because I swear I'm not crazy, but here was one on my iPhone screen. Smiling up at me. I could've cracked my phone against the ground at that point.

Instead, I took a deep breathe and patiently waited for everyone else to wake up. It felt like eternity before Anna woke up.

I thanked my lucky stars that she awoke first. Jessica and Darlene can blow things out of proportion or, at the other extreme, only tell me what I want to hear. Anna always gave it to me straight.

I immediately passed her my phone. "Ew," she responded without hesitation. "I'd dump him," she said as she threw her phone back to me.

I pouted. I didn't consider this a dumpable offense, but knew it couldn't be a good sign for our relationship. I didn't think he was cheating on me, but choosing happy hour with his coworkers, which he could've done any other night, over picking me up from the airport wasn't good.

I decided to be an adult and simply wait until that night to ask him what the deal was. I was meeting him at his place and then we were going to lunch.

When I got there and he greeted me at the door, I was overwhelmed by different emotions. He was holding a bouquet of flowers. I felt like crying, screaming, and hugging him all at the same time. I couldn't help but feel that the flowers were an apology of sorts.

"Hey, babe," I managed to say before tiredly throwing my arms around his neck. "I missed you."

"I missed you more," he replied, squeezing his arms even tighter around my waist. Then, right before I pulled away, he let out a heavy sigh and said, "this sucks."

I gulped. "Yeah," I replied. My rage was suppressed by feeling defeated. I wanted to scream at him. He made it harder than it had to be this weekend, but I knew he was doing his best. I dragged him into this.

We began kissing and the kissing led us to the bedroom.

Scott didn't say anything and neither did I. As he kissed my neck, I let out a moan of pleasure. His hands felt so good on me. I didn't ever want to address any of our problems or my concerns from the last week.

When we were done, I pulled the sheet up to my chest and settled into his arms. I lightly kissed his chest a few times before shutting my eyes.

I always had to bring up relationship issues with Scott and as I lay there, I started to think about what would happen if I just didn't bring this issue up. I mean, things were good now, right?

As I rested my head on Scott's bare chest, I could feel his heart beating louder than usual. I didn't think much of it until he asked me a three worded question that pierced my heart.

"Are you happy?"

I snapped my head so I was looking at him. He was staring straight up at the ceiling, his jaw tight.

"What?"

"Are you happy?" I thought he'd clarify what he meant instead of just literally repeating himself.

I paused and tried to give him the most honest answer possible. "Usually. I mean, mostly. I love you so much."

"I didn't ask if you loved me," he replied in a cold tone. He quickly caught himself and shook his head. "I didn't mean it that way," he continued. "I love you, too. Just, are you happy with our current situation?"

I sat up straight as I felt tears well in my eyes. "Well, it doesn't matter, because you clearly aren't." I threw my hands up. "If you want to end this, just do it. You're not going to get me to agree to it." There it was: all my frustration from the last few days, erupting as Scott tried to somehow manipulate me into ending our relationship.

Scott looked at me for the first time since starting the conversation. "It's hard, Caroline. I love you, but being apart like this, without any sort of end point, I mean, how can we maintain this?"

I looked away from him, tears now fully rolling down my cheeks. It took me a full three minutes to respond and Scott remained quiet the whole time. "I'd rather do this with you than be with anyone else."

Scott reached for me. I didn't resist as he pulled me against him and spooned me. I continued to sniffle, but my tears stopped. I think, deep down, I knew this was coming. Moving to California gave us an expiration date.

We laid there for an hour, not saying anything, before I turned to face him. "So, what does this mean for us?"

Scott traced a circle on my shoulder. "Do you wanna take a break? Take some time to think about what we both want?"

I didn't know if that's what I wanted. Why delay the inevitable? But then again, I was never good at ripping off the bandaid. I always dragged my misery out.

"Sure," I responded before pulling him close and tasting his lips, maybe for the last time.