The Bright Car Lights

"When? Wait, what? No, why?"

Moose began rubbing the back of his neck as he looked at me with such daze you'd think I had just spoken an alien language.

"I don't know," I began with an awkward smile. "It all happened kind of fast." I continued to give him a brief version of how the move came to be.

"Well, thanks for telling me," he said to me in a borderline rude tone. I didn't snap back, though, because I know how mean Moose can be when he's actually just hurt.

"I know," I said with a frown. "I suck, but I promise I'll throw myself like, a going away barbecue."

"I just, I mean, good for you. I just didn't know you were even considering moving."

"I wasn't," I said as I diverted my eyes. We had been making awkward eye contact for a few too many seconds at this point. "It kind of fell into my lap to be honest."

"Well, it sounds like an incredible opportunity," he replied nudging me on the arm. I looked back into his eyes and gave a sad smile. "I'll miss you, though, C."

I subtly rolled my eyes. "I'll be back all the time!" I was beginning to feel like a broken record. Did everybody really think I'd forget about them?

"So," Moose continued as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Is that why Scott's not here tonight? How'd the break up go?"

I widened my eyes at him. "We didn't break up," I practically whispered. "He's at a baseball game."

"Oh, you're going to do long distance?"

I sighed. "Maybe," I finally responded. "We haven't completely figured it out."

Moose furrowed his eyebrows. "And you're leaving, when?"

"We're going to talk about it!" I screamed so loud at him people looked over at us. I took a deep breathe as I tried not to get too red. "I mean, we'll talk before I leave. I don't know what's going to happen."

"Well," Moose continued, softening his tone. "I'm sure you'll stay together."

I shrugged. "I don't know if he'll even want to try it."

"Eh," Moose responded looking down at his feet. "Long distance isn't so bad. He'd be crazy not to try it."

"You'd do long distance if you or Beth moved across the country?" I asked. Maybe, just maybe, getting Moose's perspective would give me a peak inside what Scott could be thinking.

Moose let out a long sigh. "Probably not," he laughed.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "So it's easy for you to tell other people that it's easy, but if it were you, long distance is out of the question. Do I have that right?"

"No," he quickly responded. "I'm saying, he'd be crazy not to try it with you." He stared at me with a straight face and I felt myself getting very uncomfortable.

"Oh," was all I was able to muster.

"Beth's great," he continued, looking towards the door of the bar. It suddenly occurred to me that we had been outside for quite a while now. "But I don't know. Do you ever just get the feeling that you're with the wrong person?"

I shrugged. "Everyone questions things once in a while."

Moose nodded. "Yeah, maybe. Anyway, I don't think Scott's going to let you go. Unless he's had a concussion I don't know about."

I smiled and let out a quiet laugh. "Thanks, Moose. We'll see."

We just stood there for a few seconds in complete silence. Then he told me he was going to find Beth and see if she was ready to head out soon. "Hey," he began right before he turned to walk inside. "And just don't forget about us eastern folks when you're hanging out with the big movie stars in California, okay?"

I smiled and nodded at him. "Never," I answered.

He turned and walked inside. I stood there looking at the ground for a couple of seconds before turning to face the street. I watched the people walking around and the cars driving by. I suddenly felt overwhelmed by all the lights of the cars. Then, the voices of the people became really loud and I tried to shut my eyes to quiet them. All it made me realize was that my heart was pounding so fast it felt like it was going to push itself into my bra. I took some deep breathes, but it didn't help. Fuck, what was happening to me?

I sat down against the wall of the bar and waited for the moment to pass. If I wasn't having a panic attack, it was pretty damn close. I looked to my left and saw a group of girls. One was drunkenly crying while the others comforted her. Then, I turned to my right. There was a group of middle aged people smoking. I hadn't had a cigarette since at least the first year of college, when I was trying to impress one of my classmate's loser cousins at an honor's college party, but I felt drawn to have one at that moment. "Excuse me," I managed to say loud enough for one of the shorter women to hear me. "Could I possibly bum one of those?"

The woman looked at me, surprised, before a wave of compassion took over her face. "Sure, honey." She bent over, handed me one, and then flicked her lighter as I held the cigarette to my mouth. I smiled and thanked her as I took several drags. Cigarettes are disgusting, I thought to myself, but I was glad to have one at this moment. I think it all just hit me when Moose walked inside. I was really moving. All of my relationships were going to change. So much was going to change and I wouldn't be able to control it all.

A few minutes later, I picked myself up and returned to my friends. All in all, it was a good night.