Back to California

I got up to leave. It seemed like the normal thing to do, but Scott pulled me close to him when I tried to wiggle free.

"I want you to stay, baby," he whispered. I wanted to yell at him. I also wanted to bury my face in his chest and cry. I needed to show him that he couldn't push me around, but I was exhausted. I didn't have it in me to fight the urge to lay with him for a little while longer.

I fell asleep next to him. I felt strangely relaxed. I woke up a few hours later feeling groggy and forgetting where I was for a second.

Scott was standing up and putting on his shirt. When he saw me looking at him, he half smiled at me. "Morning," he said.

I smiled. "Good morning," I teased. "What time is it?"

"About 5," he replied. He scratched the back of his head as he looked out the window. "I was going to see if you wanted to go grab food?"

I glared at him. "I'm confused," I replied. "Did I dream that you told me you weren't happy?"

Scott sighed. "I know, I suck," he said after a moment. "I thought you would agree. You can't be happy with this situation either. And I'm sorry that I brought it up so early, but I don't think we should spoil the weekend."

I half laughed. "So you want to pretend like everything is fine for the rest of the weekend? Until you can forget about me?"

Scott just stared at me. "You think I'm going to forget about you? That's not what this is."

I didn't respond. I turned toward the window and took my time before saying anything else.

Before I could even articulate my feelings, Scott moved over and sat down on the bed. "I still love you, but how is this supposed to work? Are you ever coming back to New York? You haven't mentioned it at all. And we haven't discussed me moving out there. This isn't sustainable, Caroline."

"Yeah," I replied, feeling sad but understanding. He was completely right. Then, right as I was about to agree to have a nice weekend before going back to California, I remembered the picture. I remembered the way he acted the past few days. I remembered that these events were all too close together.

"So this has nothing to do with your new coworker?"

Scott gave me a look of confusion, but I was watching him too close. There was a look of panic on his face, for just a split second, before the conscious look of confusion took over. "What are you talking about?"

I laughed. "Scott, if you seriously try to lie to me right now, I will murder you."

He laughed at my exaggeration, but I did not. When he saw I wasn't laughing, he began silently rubbing his chin.

"You can't tell me you don't wonder," he finally said. "I love you, but you never wonder about what could be?"

I wanted to push him as far away from me as possible at that moment. What could be? But then, I was honest with myself, and I had thought about it. I had thought about how different my life would be if I was single when I first went to California.

"I get it," I replied as I looked away. "I'm gonna go," I continued. "It's going to be too hard to play pretend for the day."

Scott nodded and looked down. "I completely understand." Then he paused before adding, "I'm so sorry, Caroline."

I smiled and nodded. Without another word, I gathered my things and left. That's when I should've known it was over. But I'm a sucker for romance. I thought he'd call me before my flight back to California, but as I checked my phone from my seat, nothing. When my phone pinged minutes later, my heart skipped a beat. It was Anna, though.

"Hey, I hope you still managed to have a good time this weekend. I love you and Charlie said you're awesome!"

Even though I wanted it to be a text from Scott, I smiled at the sentiment and quickly responded that I had a great time hanging out with her and her relatively new boyfriend.

I didn't want to go home after leaving Scott's place, so I called Anna. She was going out with her boyfriend and his friends that night, so the timing couldn't have been more perfect. I figured some harmless flirting would be exactly what I needed to take my mind off Scott.

While I had a good time, Charlie's friends were all ridiculously drunk and all they did was make me miss Scott more. I spent most of the time chatting with Anna and her boyfriend, who were the kind of couple that didn't make you feel like a third wheel at all.

"A break?" Charlie asked when I explained my last minute attendance. "That's fucked up," he replied.

"That's what I told her," Anna contributed.

I rolled my eyes at them. "Yeah, I know. Whatever. I'm not going to think about it." I didn't want to admit that even though Scott and I should've been over, I wasn't ready to let it go. I mean, there's a reason he called it a break and not a breakup, right?

When I still didn't hear from him a few days after I was back in California, I began to really feel down. I called him a coward over drinks with Shelby and Peggy when we went out for happy hour on Thursday.

"Why did he fucking say a 'break?'" I vented as I downed the rest of my Riesling.

It took me almost a full month before I gave in to Shelby and made a dating profile on WebMatch. She told me she would leave me alone if I went on just one date. So, I scheduled said date.