Thursday, November 19, 2015

Back to California

I got up to leave. It seemed like the normal thing to do, but Scott pulled me close to him when I tried to wiggle free.

"I want you to stay, baby," he whispered. I wanted to yell at him. I also wanted to bury my face in his chest and cry. I needed to show him that he couldn't push me around, but I was exhausted. I didn't have it in me to fight the urge to lay with him for a little while longer.

I fell asleep next to him. I felt strangely relaxed. I woke up a few hours later feeling groggy and forgetting where I was for a second.

Scott was standing up and putting on his shirt. When he saw me looking at him, he half smiled at me. "Morning," he said.

I smiled. "Good morning," I teased. "What time is it?"

"About 5," he replied. He scratched the back of his head as he looked out the window. "I was going to see if you wanted to go grab food?"

I glared at him. "I'm confused," I replied. "Did I dream that you told me you weren't happy?"

Scott sighed. "I know, I suck," he said after a moment. "I thought you would agree. You can't be happy with this situation either. And I'm sorry that I brought it up so early, but I don't think we should spoil the weekend."

I half laughed. "So you want to pretend like everything is fine for the rest of the weekend? Until you can forget about me?"

Scott just stared at me. "You think I'm going to forget about you? That's not what this is."

I didn't respond. I turned toward the window and took my time before saying anything else.

Before I could even articulate my feelings, Scott moved over and sat down on the bed. "I still love you, but how is this supposed to work? Are you ever coming back to New York? You haven't mentioned it at all. And we haven't discussed me moving out there. This isn't sustainable, Caroline."

"Yeah," I replied, feeling sad but understanding. He was completely right. Then, right as I was about to agree to have a nice weekend before going back to California, I remembered the picture. I remembered the way he acted the past few days. I remembered that these events were all too close together.

"So this has nothing to do with your new coworker?"

Scott gave me a look of confusion, but I was watching him too close. There was a look of panic on his face, for just a split second, before the conscious look of confusion took over. "What are you talking about?"

I laughed. "Scott, if you seriously try to lie to me right now, I will murder you."

He laughed at my exaggeration, but I did not. When he saw I wasn't laughing, he began silently rubbing his chin.

"You can't tell me you don't wonder," he finally said. "I love you, but you never wonder about what could be?"

I wanted to push him as far away from me as possible at that moment. What could be? But then, I was honest with myself, and I had thought about it. I had thought about how different my life would be if I was single when I first went to California.

"I get it," I replied as I looked away. "I'm gonna go," I continued. "It's going to be too hard to play pretend for the day."

Scott nodded and looked down. "I completely understand." Then he paused before adding, "I'm so sorry, Caroline."

I smiled and nodded. Without another word, I gathered my things and left. That's when I should've known it was over. But I'm a sucker for romance. I thought he'd call me before my flight back to California, but as I checked my phone from my seat, nothing. When my phone pinged minutes later, my heart skipped a beat. It was Anna, though.

"Hey, I hope you still managed to have a good time this weekend. I love you and Charlie said you're awesome!"

Even though I wanted it to be a text from Scott, I smiled at the sentiment and quickly responded that I had a great time hanging out with her and her relatively new boyfriend.

I didn't want to go home after leaving Scott's place, so I called Anna. She was going out with her boyfriend and his friends that night, so the timing couldn't have been more perfect. I figured some harmless flirting would be exactly what I needed to take my mind off Scott.

While I had a good time, Charlie's friends were all ridiculously drunk and all they did was make me miss Scott more. I spent most of the time chatting with Anna and her boyfriend, who were the kind of couple that didn't make you feel like a third wheel at all.

"A break?" Charlie asked when I explained my last minute attendance. "That's fucked up," he replied.

"That's what I told her," Anna contributed.

I rolled my eyes at them. "Yeah, I know. Whatever. I'm not going to think about it." I didn't want to admit that even though Scott and I should've been over, I wasn't ready to let it go. I mean, there's a reason he called it a break and not a breakup, right?

When I still didn't hear from him a few days after I was back in California, I began to really feel down. I called him a coward over drinks with Shelby and Peggy when we went out for happy hour on Thursday.

"Why did he fucking say a 'break?'" I vented as I downed the rest of my Riesling.

It took me almost a full month before I gave in to Shelby and made a dating profile on WebMatch. She told me she would leave me alone if I went on just one date. So, I scheduled said date.

22 comments:

  1. As much of a dick move it is to pull the whole "let's take a masochistic break" thing, LDRs without an end date or final plan don't work well. I'm glad Caroline realized that and is trying to move on even though she's not quite ready--Scott is not worth a heartbreak.

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  2. LDRs without an end game are hard. That said, I wish Scott and Caroline would've had more a finish. I hate that he was such a coward about it. I bet he's totally seeing the girl from work now too.

    Caroline dating in California should be fun!

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    1. I hope you continue to enjoy where the story goes!

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  3. I was never really a fan of Scott. I'm sad for Caroline, but in my opinion, he only proved that he's kind of an asshole through this whole thing. I mean who asks to go on a break right after sex? And then wants to pretend nothing happened later? Also "I love you, but I wonder what could be." RUDE. She can move on to way better now.

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  4. Ew, I am pissed that I was ever Team Scott. Good for Caroline for calling him out on his shit about his coworker! I have a feeling that that has to be more closure or drama between them in this story line...it is fiction after all.

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    1. It is fiction. Who knows where it'll go :-p

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  5. Always hated Scott, so I'm happy that's done! Excited to see who she meets next or if Moose pops back up!

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    1. I'm glad we still have some Moose fans :-p

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  6. This is a blessing in disguise for Caroline! I had an ex pull similar crap with me (after 4 years!), and I can only say that it will bring her much deserved happiness. I hope she meets someone fun and exciting, or that Moose comes back in!

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  7. I'm glad that she mentioned the coworker. I'm also glad that she left instead of playing along like everything was cool. The fact that there was no end means we will be hearing from Scott again. But what will C be up to at that time?? I can't wait to find out. mum

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  8. Wow, I can't believe he didn't deny anything with the coworker. It's one thing to say 'don't you wonder', it's another to say it right after she called him out about his coworker.
    http://whosetheoneforme.blogspot.com

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  9. i can't fucking stand scott. i'm glad caroline is starting to (kind of) stand up for herself too. i hope she finds herself (so sorry for the cliche lol) while alone in california. i know that if i never moved to a place far away from everything and everyone i knew, i would not be who i am today. she needs it!

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  10. I just read this whole blog and am dying to know what's next! Are you going to continue writing this story

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    1. Glad to have you, Miranda!! New post up tomorrow :)

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  11. Sorry, super behind today :-( I'm really going to try for Tuesday, the 1st :-/

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