Tuesday, September 9, 2014

It's been completely worth it

Last night, I nervously straightened my hair as I waited for Justin to pick me up. Justin and I were going to dinner and I decided we were going to have a talk, no matter how difficult it was. I wanted to know how he felt about everything, too. After all, he had been distant for a little while. Maybe he had something he wanted to express, as well. I didn't want either of us bottling up feelings and then have them explode in an argument. Justin deserved more than that.

I was especially worried about how I would express my feelings. To be honest, I couldn't warrant some of them. That had me confused. Yes, Justin got jealous, but was that the only reason I felt a small desire to break up with him? I couldn't figure out if I felt like I just owed it to myself to be single for a little while if my heart wasn't 100% invested in the relationship anymore. Justin deserved better than that, too.

Justin arrived at 7. Right on the dot. I sat in the passenger seat and leaned over to give him a kiss. We were at the restaurant by 7:20. It was a beautiful night so we opted to sit outside on their patio. I began quietly picking at the bread basket on the table.

"How have your classes been?" Justin sweetly asked me. Since I was chewing on a piece of an uh-maz-ing fluffy roll (I deserved some white bread), I nodded and shrugged in response. Justin laughed. "Well, regardless, I'm really proud of you. I know it's not easy doing everything you do, but I think it's amazing that you're in graduate school. My girlfriend is one smart cookie." He reached across the table and put his hand on mine. How did he always know the right thing to say? I suddenly couldn't imagine breaking up with him.

"Thanks," I bashfully replied. "But it's not exactly medical school. It's just a part time grad program."

"Still," he said as he looked me straight in the eyes. "Don't diminish it. I don't know anyone who works as hard as you do."

I had a particular order in mind for how I wanted this conversation to go and, due to acute anxiety issues that I've had since childhood, I had practiced the conversation over and over in my head. However, since he was bringing up my hectic schedule, I figured it'd be good to discuss that with him first.

"Since you mention it," I said, as if I never dreamed of bringing it up, "I think we should talk about that."

"Talk about what?"

"Well, with school starting again, I'm going to be annoyingly busy and I want to make sure you understand that."

Justin furrowed his eyebrows at me. "Caveman understand," he sarcastically replied.

"I didn't mean that you couldn't understand," I feverishly responded. Why did everything I say always come out wrong? "I just want to talk to you about it now so you're not blindsided when I can't see you as much. Are you going to be okay with that?"

Justin looked off at the street for a moment. "Yeah, I mean, what other choice do I have?"

I didn't know what to say to that so we just sat there, silent, for another moment. "I'll try as hard as I can to see you," I said as I placed my hand back on his. We just looked at each other and then commented on how nice the weather was for a few minutes before the waitress came over to take our order.

"Listen, we can do this," Justin said, getting back on topic. "If it's either having you a little or not having you at all, the choice is simple."

I smiled at him. It felt so nice to have a caring guy back in my life. I knew from past experiences that they were rare. And who knows? Maybe Justin and I would benefit from some time apart.

That train of thought brought me back to my original decision about tonight. We needed to discuss our issues.

"Justin, we're good otherwise, right?" I asked. I hoped he understood what I meant because I didn't really know how to explain it.

Justin looked away from me. He didn't look confused. At that moment, I knew he understood. "I know it hasn't been the easiest of roads, but we can't give up, right? I mean, I think we have something here."

I decided to quickly blurt out my next question. "You trust me, though, right?"

Justin furrowed his eyebrows at me again. "Of course," he replied, as if that was a crazy question to ask. I bit my lip and looked down. "Well," he continued. "I get what you mean. I'm sorry that I have issues there. You haven't done anything wrong, but because of my history I always jump to the worst conclusions. You're amazing and I guess I just feel like I got too lucky meeting you for something not to happen to us."

We looked each other in the eyes for a moment before I replied. "I'm the lucky one. You're so good to me. I'm sorry that I've put you in some sticky situations these past few months."

"It's been completely worth it," he said with a wink. Our food arrived minutes later and I was lost in the amazing shrimp and calamari salad before me. We laughed, talked, and played footsie for the next forty-five minutes before heading back to his apartment where we had the best sex we've had yet (in my opinion, anyway). It was the perfect night. Or so I thought.

Justin and I silently laid in bed for an hour. We began to get dressed so he could drive me home when I realized he was being eerily quiet. I thought nothing of it until we got to my house.

"Maybe we should talk," he said.

21 comments:

  1. WHAT?!?!!..... What do we need to talk about?? Damn you lol

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  2. figure out what you want justin!

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  3. Chris - @nylonlover69 on TwitterSeptember 9, 2014 at 5:52 AM

    Come on, man! Wassup with that, Justin?

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  4. What does Justin need to talk about? I have a small complaint. Most other bloggers write where they are going and what they're wearing and set the scene better. With you it's we are going to dinner then boom we're having bread and talking. More info would be nice.

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    1. I've noticed that too, but I feel the opposite way. I don't really care to know exactly what the place looks like or what they're wearing. The detailed descriptions of outfits bring me back to that one time I made myself read My Immortal (that's a crap Harry Potter fanfiction, likely written by a 10 year-old) oh god, I just made myself a super dork.

      I'm not bashing you comment by the way, just giving my thoughts

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    2. I agree with the original poster. More details about what she's wearing and where they are having dinner or going gives more insight to her as a character. It also makes us visualize the setting and the scene. Just reading that that they're going to dinner and then we're at dinner immediately following is strange.

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    3. I too would like to know little details. It would make your story more personal and relateable. Now, it's mainly verbatim and sex with Justin without the details. "We had the best sex ever." No details. Details are lacking in all areas of this blog.

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    4. Thank you all for your constructive criticism (and thanks for keeping the disputes civil!). I will take this into consideration in future posts. I enjoy learning how you guys feel and will try my best to incorporate your feedback! I have been told that many readers find my posts too short and I will admit, I understand this, but I don't really have it in me to write more at the present moment. However, within the posts, I will try to write more of what you guys want to read! Thanks again :)

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    5. I wasn't one of the previous commenters on this, but I just wanted to say how admirable it is you take criticism constructively. Not enough writers do this and it's nice to see you respond so well to not only the supportive commenters, but the ones who give different feedback. (: love your writing! First time commenter <3

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    6. Thank you so much! It sucks to hear, but I still appreciate feedback. As the writer, it's not always easy to see where you need to improve! Thanks for such a positive comment and please continue to share :)

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  5. Oh crap.

    --Nicole M.

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    1. That's definitely what Caroline's thinking!

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  6. We'll have to see what he says in the next post :)

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  7. I don't want to stereotype when I say "typical" guy - but so typical! :)

    Sheerluckandpixiedust.blogspot.com

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  8. What is going on with Justin!!! He needs to trust a bit more, Caroline is a catch!

    Just started my own blog, check it out if you'd like! :)

    http://lifebysarahxo.blogspot.ca/

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    1. Thanks for complimenting Caroline! I feel like a lot of commenters don't like her :( lol. I will definitely be checking out your blog soon!

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    2. I like her :) BUT I'm a judgemental evil bitch.
      Seriously though, you are a great writer. Some things could use some work, but couldn't everyone improve a bit? I know I could. I've left some nasty comment on other blog's. Not to be conceited, but a lack of nasty comments means a lot from me. Keep up the good work :)

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    3. Aw, thanks so much, Alicia! I can handle the negative comments (at least the one's that try to be constructive) when they're paired with nice ones like this :)

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