This Guilty Feeling in my Stomach

My sister took a deep breath as her fingers gripped the wheel tighter.

“I guess you’ve got a handle on your road rage?” I asked as I slouched lower in the passenger seat.

“I try to utilize some deep breathing exercises,” Theresa said with a smile. “It’s working, isn’t it?”

It was late Sunday and my sister had graciously volunteered to drive me back to the airport. There was always traffic by JFK airport and my sister didn’t usually handle traffic well, so I was impressed by her cool demeanor.

To pass the time, and because I couldn’t really stop thinking about it, I told my sister the whole Moose situation. Everything. By the end, she was essentially stunned.

“So, even though you’re going back to California, he basically confessed his love to you?”

“You’re so dramatic,” I responded with a laugh. “He did not ‘confess his love.’ He was just drunk and said that he ‘thinks about me.’”

“Well, it sounds to me like love,” Theresa responded as she checked her blind spot and changed lanes. “So, now, what about Tom?”

I let out a sigh. “I know,” I responded as I rubbed my eyes. “I like Tom. And things are going really well with him. As soon as I got home from talking with Moose, I felt so much guilt as I really processed everything. But it’s complicated because we haven’t ‘defined the relationship,’ so I didn’t do anything wrong but, I don’t know, it doesn’t help me shake this guilty feeling in my stomach.”

“Maybe that means you should ‘define the relationship,’” my sister suggested. “Besides, if you haven’t slept together and you haven’t labeled it, you’re right. A kiss isn’t even that big of a deal.”

She was right. All I did was kiss Moose and I probably wouldn’t even see him again for a few months. I knew this from a logical standpoint, but I knew there was more I wasn’t admitting to myself: I couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss and how things would be different if I weren’t going back so soon.

But, like Moose said, we would have to work on our friendship before anything else. There were already so many other obstacles for us in addition to me being across the country and seeing someone else. I owed it to myself to see how things played out with Tom.

And once I landed in California, I turned my phone off airplane mode and saw that I had a text message from Tom. “I know you’re probably exhausted, but I’m unbelievably eager to see you. Want to grab dinner tomorrow night?”

I smiled and instantly accepted the invitation. Now I had something to look forward to after a grueling Monday back in the office.

The next day practically flew by as I got through all my emails and tasks for the day without many problems arising. I quickly changed into a romper before heading to the restaurant to meet Tom. We had a nice dinner and caught up about our weekends. He told me a little bit more about his mom and sister’s visit, when he added that Kim actually visits a lot.

“Her and her boyfriend are actually considering moving closer to the city,” he added before he took a sip of his red wine. “She’s going to be here again in a couple weeks and she actually, um, wanted me to see if we wanted to get dinner with the two of them.”

My heart began skipping a little faster. Dinner with the sister was definitely a sign that things were still moving in the right direction. He looked into my eyes with a sincere eagerness and I felt bad for even waiting a few seconds to respond.

“Of course,” I finally said with a smile. “She seems really cool. You guys are close, huh?”

“Not really,” Tom replied with a shrug. “You think she’s cool now, but I feel bad that you have to put up with her.” He laughed as he said this, so I smiled and took it in jest, as well. Still, the way Tom was talking made me really feel like this thing we had could be real. I tried to ignore the thought of my kiss with Moose as it lingered back into my head to make me feel guilty again.

Tom and I walked around the streets of Santa Monica, hand in hand, for a little while after dinner before he asked if I wanted to go back to his apartment. I contemplated for a moment. I was honestly more than ready to sleep with Tom, but I knew that I would be distracted if I went that night so I politely told him that I was tired.

“I completely understand,” Tom replied as he squeezed my hand. “Let me walk you back to your place?”

I happily accepted and slightly leaned against Tom. As we continued walking and talking, it became even clearer that we had so much in common and we had some real chemistry. I was so happy I hadn’t thrown any of this away.

When we arrived outside of my apartment, I turned and kissed Tom before he could even initiate. I wanted to show him that while we might have been moving somewhat slowly physically, it wasn’t due to a lack of sexual desire. I gripped my hands around his neck as I kissed him slow and deep. I felt his hands steady on my hips and began leaning my body closer to his. After a few minutes, I slowly pulled away.

“You know,” Tom began as he looked down and tried to suppress a smile. “Between that kiss and that romper you’re wearing, you’re making me very, very eager to see you again.”

“I hope so,” I replied as I kissed him again. “Let’s get together this week.”

“Deal,” Tom replied. After a few more minutes, his Lyft arrived and we had one last good night kiss.